


Listen to Your Heart

by 1more_troubled_soul



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, first fic, mental health
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:54:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24173146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1more_troubled_soul/pseuds/1more_troubled_soul
Summary: Cas had been human a few times before this and had yet to enjoy the experience of falling asleep. Letting go into the nothingness of no longer having conscious thought has always terrified him. That night in the bunker, however, it was worse than it had ever been before.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	1. Ba-Boom

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic, pls be kind

_**Ba-boom. Ba-boom.** _

Castiel grit his teeth and shut his eyes tighter.

**_Ba-boom. Ba-boom._ **

He turned over in his bed desperately willing himself to relax.

_**Ba-boom. Ba-boom.** _

Cas had been human a few times before this and had yet to enjoy the experience of falling asleep. Letting go into the nothingness of no longer having conscious thought has always terrified him. That night in the bunker, however, it was worse than it had ever been before.

He threw off his covers in frustration before leaning over to turn on his bedside lamp. He let outs a heavy sigh and dug the palms of his hands into his closed eyes.

_**Ba-boom. Ba-boom. BA-BOOM. BA-BOOM.** _

Cas clutched at his chest. His heart. It was so loud and fast and _strong_. He could feel it in his ears, his fingertips, everywhere. He suddenly stood, eyes wide. He started to move about his room in a frenzy, searching.

"There's gotta be something in here. Somewhere." he said to himself, yanking open the empty dresser drawers. He got down to his hands and knees and poked his head underneath his bed. Nothing. Cas stood again, his heart pounding even heavier than before. He could start to feel the sting in his eyes as the tears began to blur his vision.

"DEAN!" he shouted out in desperation. "DEAN!!" again, louder, not even seconds later.

Dean came bursting through the door wearing grey sweats and an old t-shirt, gun in hand. "Cas?" He looked at the former angel before taking in the sight of his room in desaray. "What's wrong? What happened?"

"I don't know! I think there might be a hex bag in here or something. I can't breathe! And- and my chest feels tight." Cas placed his trembling right hand over his heart and stepped closer to Dean, his face full of fear. "And my heart! It's so loud!"

Dean lowered his gun and narrowed his eyes. "Are your hands clammy?"

Cas gave his signature head tilt to let Dean know he didn't understand the question.

"Do they feel kinda wet and cold?" Dean rephrased.

Confused, Cas looked down at his hands, palms up. “Yes.” he confirmed, looking back to Dean. “What does that mean? What’s wrong with me?”

Dean sighed and placed his gun on the dresser. “Sit down.”

Cas moved to sit on the edge of the bed before Dean's hand on his shoulder stopped him. “I meant, you need to get comfortable again. Trust me.”

Cas does. Dean picked up the comforter and tossed it across the bed and waited. Cas made his way back onto his bed, sitting on top of the now semi made blankets with his back against the pillows. He crossed his legs and placed his hands flat on his knees.

Cas was wearing blue-green flannel pajama bottoms with a matching soft, blue t-shirt. Dean picked up a few pairs the moment he found out Cas was human again which meant he’d need to sleep. This combination was actually Dean’s favorite.

Dean smiled softly before moving to sit across from an expectant Cas, mirroring his stance. He gave a quick, gentle pat to Cas’s knee. “So. Tell me what happened.”

Cas looked down at the space between them. “I… I was trying to fall asleep.” He explained, his voice just above a whisper. “Then, out of nowhere, my heart started beating rapidly. I could feel it throughout my entire body. And it became harder to breathe.”

“Do you still feel that way?” Dean asked, his tone was soothing. Cas looked up at him.

“Yes. Though…” he thought, “not as bad as before” _before you were here_ , his brain supplied.

Dean nodded and drew in a deep breath. “I think you might be experiencing a panic attack.” he suggested.

Castiel considered this. He did feel as though he was in a state of panic, not unlike he does in the middle of battle. “But I have no reason to panic and I do not seem to be under attack.”

It was Dean’s turn to look away. “Yeah well,” he ran his hand over the back of his neck, “panic attacks don’t always have to have a reason. Sometimes they just happen.”

Cas’s breathing and heart rate sped up again. He didn’t like not being in control of what was happening to him. Dean noticed this and sat up with determination.

“Hey. Try breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.” he tells Cas. Cas began to pant, taking very small breaths in and letting out just as much. Dean placed his right hand over Cas’s left. “No, like this.” Dean demonstrated, bringing air through his nose, filling his lungs and releasing slowly out through his mouth. He showed the fluidity of this by lifting his left hand when he breathes in and lowering it slowly as he breathes out. Cas followed Deans lead. They breathed together like this for a minute or so before Cas spoke up again.

“Dean, I- I don’t think it’s working.”

“Okay,” Dean ran both hands through his hair, “We can try something else. Something I’ve picked up over the years.” He suddenly looked a little nervous, like he was sharing a secret. Cas looked at him with anticipation. “Close your eyes.” Dean demanded. Cas obeyed. “Now I need you to listen to your heart. You’re going to breathe in as deep as you can and hold it. Hold it until you can feel your heart get faster.”

“Faster?!” Cas questioned, his eyes opening wide.

“I want it slower!” “Do you trust me?” Dean asked with sincerity.

Castiel simply closed his eyes once more. Of course he trusted Dean. He trusted Dean more than he trusted anyone he’s ever known. Satisfied with Cas’s compliance, Dean continued.

“Now when you feel your heartbeat speed up, let the air out as slowly as you can.” Cas breathed in deep through his nose and held it.

_**Ba-boom… Ba-boom… Ba-BOOM. BA-BOOM. BA-BOOM!** _

Cas couldn’t take it any longer and all his air came out in a rush. “I’m sorry, Dean! I’m sorry! I just don’t think this is working.” He looked to Dean, his vision starting to blur once again.

“Give me your hand.” Dean said, offering his right hand out, palm up. Cas slowly placed his hand in Dean’s awaiting one, his eyebrows pinching together in scepticism. “You’re going to breathe in again but this time, only breathe out when I squeeze your hand.” Dean explained, giving Cas a test squeeze. “Got it?” Cas nodded and closed his eyes. He drew in the deepest breath he could before holding it, waiting.

*Squeeze* He let out a small puff of air. *Squeeze* Then another. They continued this rhythm until Cas had emptied his lungs.

“Again.” said Dean.

Again, Castiel obeyed. His world had narrowed down to the synthetic pulse of his hand that Dean created for him. Soon, his heartbeat had synced with it and a sense of calm washed over him. “Wow.” he whispered. “It worked.” He looked at Dean. He saved him… again.

Dean moved his thumb over the back of Castiel’s hand. “Told ya.” he said, the smile he wore dripping into his voice.

Cas looked down at their hands, his face suddenly warm. Dean glanced down before quickly pulling back and clearing his throat. He stood abruptly.

“So,” he started, his voice much louder than it was seconds ago, “you good? Everything back to normal? Or at least our version of normal.” He smoothed out his clothing and placed his hands on his hips.

“Uh, yes. Thank you.” Cas said, taking in Deans sudden nervous mannerisms.

“Cool.” Dean nodded. “Cool... Well I’m gonna head back to my room.” He gave a quick pat to Cas’s thigh before making his way towards the door.

“Dean wait!” Cas called to him. Dean turned back just before he was out of the room, his face slightly red. “How did you know how to do that?” Cas asked quietly, nervous that he might be prying.

Dean leaned back to poke his head into the hallway. He looked in both directions before returning his attention back to Cas. When he responded, his voice was barely above a whisper. “I, uh, get them all the time… panic attacks.” Dean’s eyes didn’t leave the floor in front of him as he spoke. “It happens any time I try to fall asleep without being dead on my feet.”

“Is that why you don’t sleep as much as you should?” Cas asked, concerned.

Dean shrugged, “one of ‘em.”

The silence between them stretched until Cas spoke up again, giving Dean an out. “Well, thank you. For tonight.”

Dean looked back up at Cas. “Any time.” he said with stern sincerity, “I mean that.”

Castiel stared at him for a moment before nodding slowly. Dean gave a curt nod back, tapping on the door frame before exiting the room.

Castiel lifted his comforter and brought his legs underneath its warmth. He leaned over to the night stand and switched off his lamp before settling down for sleep once again. His body and his heart felt much calmer. However, a new heaviness replaced his previous sense of panic.

Dean had experienced this awful human phenomenon and so often too. “ _That wasn’t right. Dean deserved peace_.” Castiel thought to himself. Rest should be relaxing and peaceful and Dean... Dean was alone.

Cas was lucky enough to have Dean come to his rescue and aid him through his “panic attack” as Dean had referred to it. Who helped Dean when he first experienced this? Who helped him now? Why had Cas not known about this sooner, when he had his grace? He could have relaxed Dean and ended his suffering with a simple touch. He would have done that for Dean. Every night. Instead Dean suffered in silence, never allowing external signs of his internal struggle.

“ _No. Not anymore_.” Cas thought. He might not have his “angle mojo” anymore but there was no way he was going to let Dean continue this battle alone. Cas could feel himself being pulled into unconsciousness. He reluctantly let go knowing that tomorrow he’d find a way to help Dean.

Human or not, he’d be there for him. He promised.


	2. How to Cope

Cas sat alone in the library the next morning. He had set out to check the shelves in hopes of finding a book on panic attacks. He needed to learn more. Why they happen and how to stop them. He knew he couldn’t go another moment without knowing how to take this pain away from Dean now knowing first hand how severely debilitating it can be. Unfortunately, it seemed as though the Men of Letters and their vast amounts of research held little to nothing to do with the _human_ mind. That’s when Cas decided to use the first computer he could find.

Sam came in through the bunker door, out of breath from his early morning run. He was about to head to the showers when he spotted the former angel bent over his laptop, his face pinched in concentration.

“Hey Cas,” said Sam, pulling out his earbuds and exiting out of the music app on his phone. “Whatcha doin?”

Castiel startled slightly at his name. “Oh, hello Sam.” he responded looking up, feeling slightly guilty for using his laptop without permission. “I hope you don’t mind me using this.” He gestured to the device in front of him.

“Not at all man! As long as you don’t give me a virus.” Sam said light heartedly before moving closer to peer at whatever Cas was looking at.

“I do not believe that I have a virus but if you are concerned, I can clean your computer with a disinfectant wipe once I am done.” Cas said, refocusing his attention to the words on the screen that read **How To Stop A Panic Attack: 11 Ways to Cope**.

“That’s not… nevermind.” Sam shook his head and took the seat across from Cas. “So, why are you reading about panic attacks anyway?” Sam asked, downing the last of his water from his water bottle.

“I, uh,” Cas hesitated. He didn’t know how much he should disclose to Sam about what he and Dean went through the previous night. Dean seemed as though he wasn’t too keen on sharing his struggles, not even with Sam. “I believe that I may have experienced one last night.” he admitted.

Sam sighed. “Man, I’m sorry. That’s rough. Are you okay?” he asked with concern.

“I believe so. My body seems to be functioning properly now but,” Cas looked back to the article. “I haven’t been able to find much on how to cure it. Just more so on how to deal with them when they happen.”

Sam chewed at his lip. “Yeah there isn’t really a cure for that.” Cas looked up in surprise. Sam continued, “I mean, you can always get on medication but not a lot of people like the way it makes them feel. I tried ‘em back when I was in college. Wasn’t a fan.”

“You, too, experience these attacks?” Cas was starting to wonder if these were more common human burdens than he had originally thought.

“Yeah, I mean, not as often as I used to.” Sam admitted. “But I still have anxiety and trouble sleeping sometimes.” His voice had gone soft just as Dean’s had when he spoke about his struggles.

“ _Why do they seem ashamed?_ ” Cas wondered. From what he’s read, it seems as though people all over the world have to deal with the result of their mind convincing itself that there are reasons to panic when, in fact, there are none. That aside, Sam and Dean HAD a reason to be in a state of constant panic and yet they talk about these things as though they should be kept secret.

“So what do you do now?” he asked, “How do you,” Cas squinted at the screen, “cope?”

Sam cleared his throat and squirmed in his seat slightly. “I, uh, well I try to take care of myself. Exercising and eating right can really help.”

Cas thought of Dean and his awful diet. He also thought about how he was only really active when running to or from some creature on a hunt. Castiel sighed. “Have you heard of a weighted blanket?” He turned the laptop towards Sam and pointed to the article. “It says here that people can use weighted blankets to help with anxiety. Why is that?”

Sam read the paragraph that Cas was referring to before speaking up again. “I guess it helps because it kinda gives you the feeling of sleeping next to a person. So you feel, like… not alone, I guess.” He continued reading to himself.

“So it simulates human contact? And that can help stop a panic attack from happening?” Cas questioned excitedly.

“Uh, huh…” Sam muttered, his focus fully on the computer screen.

“Thank you Sam.” Cas rose up from his chair. “I think I have learned quite a lot and I do believe I have a plan.”

He started to make his way to the kitchen just as Sam gave him another “Uh, huh…” under his breath.

When Cas walked into the kitchen he was surprised to see Dean already sitting at the table, his hands wrapped around a fresh cup of coffee.

“Mornin’” said Dean giving Cas an acknowledging head nod.

“Good morning.” Cas responded, taking in Dean’s appearance. Cas had always noticed when Dean seemed tired. His posture was low, the dark circles under his eyes were ever present but somehow, now knowing what caused his lack of sleep, Castiel’s heart ached a bit harder.

He made his way over to the cabinet and pulled out a mug before pouring himself what was left of the coffee. Cas turned back to Dean, “Would you like me to make some more?” he asked.

“Nah, this is my second cup.” Dean replied, taking an audible sip. “This should be enough to keep me goin’.”

Cas placed himself in the seat across from Dean and they shared a few moments of comfortable silence until Dean spoke up again. “So, uh, how did you sleep last night?” He asked, his eyes focused on the half empty cup in front of him. “You know, after everything.” Dean brought the coffee to his lips again.

“Fine... Quite well, actually.” Castiel admitted. “Thank you for that.”

“Don’t mention it.” Dean said, waving him off. Cas knew he had meant it. He thought back to his conversation with Sam.

“Have you eaten breakfast yet or were you going to qualify your two cups of coffee as enough morning nourishment?” He questioned.

Dean blinked back at Cas. “Uh, I haven’t eaten yet no. Why? You offerin’ to make me something?” he teased.

Cas bit back a smile. “Sure!” he said, standing. “What would you like?” Dean quickly moved to stand up with him.

“No Cas, I was just joking. I can make my own food.” Cas stopped him, his hand to Dean’s shoulder.

“Sit. Please.” He said. “Let me repay you for last night.” His eyes were soft as he spoke.

Dean’s face turned a little red but he nodded. “Thanks, Cas.” He sat back down.

“Don’t mention it.” Cas replied.

He took out some eggs and a pan. Cas had watched Sam make scrambled eggs a dozen times. He could do this. He started by cracking four eggs into a small bowl. Then he placed the pan on the stove before turning it on. He took out a whisk from the drawer and began mixing until the eggs were all roughly one yellowish color. When he moved to pour his mixture into the pan, Cas heard Dean clear his throat. He looked back.

“You, uh,” Dean started carefully, not wanting to be a backseat cook. “You might want to use some butter or cooking oil so it doesn’t stick to the pan.” He suggested.

Castiel looked inside the fridge, a little flustered now after realizing that Dean must have been watching him. He knows butter isn’t healthy but cooking oil… He found the bottle. Vegetable cooking oil. Vegetables are healthy. After covering the inside of the pan with a layer of oil, Cas pours in his egg mixture. He remembered seeing Sam move the eggs around with some sort of kitchen tool. Once he located the rubber spatula, he turned back to Dean, his eyebrows raised. Dean bit back a smile and nodded approvingly. Cas beamed back at him.

He pushed the eggs back and forth until he decided they were firm enough. He turned off the stove and put the majority of the eggs onto Dean’s plate and gave himself the rest. Cas carried the two plates to the table and sat down.

“Thanks Cas, they look great.” said Dean as he gathered a large fork full and brought it to his mouth.

“So, are they okay?” Cas asked, his eyes wide with anticipation.

“Mmhmm” Dean responded with a small grimace. “They could use some salt though.” He admitted, his head nodding in the direction of the cabinet. Cas shot up to go fetch the salt as Dean quickly reached into his mouth to pull out a small piece of shell.

“Not too much!” Cas said, handing the salt shaker over.

“Okay Mom.” Dean replied sarcastically. “ _Have a real breakfast, don’t use too much salt._ ” he mocked, “Since when did you get so concerned about my eating habits?”

“Do I need a specific reason to wish for you to take care of yourself?” Castiel countered. Dean simply shrugged and continued to eat his breakfast until his plate was clean, shells and all. Cas, on the other hand stopped eating after just one bite. He didn’t think the eggs tasted good at all but Dean seemed to really enjoy them and that was all that mattered.

“I’m stuffed,” Dean announced before standing to move his plate to the sink. “Thanks for breakfast Cas.”

“Of course Dean.” Cas smiled up at him. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.” Dean started to make his exit before Castiel remembered the other method of anxiety prevention that Sam had mentioned.

“Dean wait! Uh,” he hesitated. Dean would be too suspicious if Cas simply asked him to go on a run like Sam or do any other type of formal exercise. _Dean was most active when he was on a hunt,_ he reminded himself. “Would you be willing to help teach me some hand to hand combat techniques?”

Dean looked back at him in surprise. “Why?” he asked.

“Well, as you know, I am without my ‘mojo’ as you call it. I believe it to be useful to be prepared to defend myself in other ways and I would not be surprised if I was a bit 'rusty'” Castiel explained, his hands moving with the use of the air quotes.

“Yeah,” Dean agreed with a laugh. “Yeah, you’re right. Sure! Lemme just freshen up and I’ll meet you in the gym?” Castiel nodded in agreement before watching Dean leave.

He smiled to himself with pride as he collected his own plate and washed away what was left of his food. Not only did he make sure Dean had a healthy breakfast but now he was about to make sure Dean got some much needed exercise as well! Cas was so excited that his plan was going so well already. He would make sure Dean was set up for the best chance of success against his internal struggles, even if he had to trick him into it.


End file.
